Research: A Masculine Way to Eat a Banana

One day, a guy who wears man bags (not me) was confronted by someone who's nickname ends with boner (not me) about the fruit he was enjoying. "You know, , there is no masculine way to eat a banana", said Mr. Boner, completely deflating man bag wearer from enjoying his healthy snack.

We could just leave it at that. But it would be a disservice to all those homophobic people out there who want a masculine way to eat a banana. Those, some of whom read this blog in fact, fearful of the stigma of banana eating. To them I say, do not fear, you are not giving a dismembered banana tree oral stimulation.* It does not work that way.

But that is not enough. We must go further. Bananas are too good. We must find a way.

Here are some options to consider:

Pirate Bite- My personal favorite. The key is to imagine yourself as a pirate, and to bring the banana to your mouth sideways and snap off a piece. Make sure to show a lot of tooth, but do not use alot of tooth. One benefit to this method is that with the snap off bite, the remains of a snap off have a grainy fibrous natural quality, as opposed to a toothy bite that would leave a smooth creamy edge. Muscles are fibrous, fat is creamy. Fibrous is more manly than creamy. Snap off.

Mash Up
- The preferred method of Mr. Boner. First, peel completely, then mash the entire thing up into a ball, then take a big bite. I think the messiness adds to the manliness. You have to go all out with this one. Balls to the mash up walls. Smile madly while you mash it up. Crazy eyes. People will be so caught up in the fact that you are a madman that they will forget that you are eating a banana. Madman is manly. It has man in it.

Hand Offs
- This one's pretty simple. Peel the banana as usual, but instead of biting off pieces, break them off with your hand and bring said broken off pieces to your mouth hole. This method is ripe (wocka wocka) for customizing to your own style. Perhaps instead of gingerly bringing the banana piece to your mouth you slam it down, ending with an open hand slap of your face. Perhaps you throw the pieces in the air and catch them in your mouth. I don't know. Make up something you jerk. Do I have to think up everything?

Baby Bites
- As if you're feeding it to a baby, chop it into little slices on a plate and eat individually. This one takes a special kind of person to pull off and still be masculine. Extra points if you can do it while wearing a bib and sitting at a table that is way too high for you.

*By the way have you ever eaten at one of those indian banana leaf restaurants where you plop all the food onto a banana leaf? Its big fun.